Grace Chatting

Of the many clients I see each year about their love, marriage and relationship issues, I notice that some are suspicious and jealous, suspecting their partners of seeing someone behind their back.or being unfaithful, without any grounds other than their own feelings of insecurity.

Others are heartbroken because they found out that their partner had cheated on them, and they had thought it could never happen to them, therefore didn’t see it coming. I saw one lady in her 70s ( who quite reasonable considered herself safe and settled)  whose same aged partner had left her for a woman in her 50s. I have also seen a number of couples who had affairs after they had celebrated their silver wedding anniversary.

Talk to each other

There is a middle road. You don’t have to be suspecting your partner of any misdemeanour to simply talk about the subject of infidelity as a preventive measure. There can be an agreement made that should temptation to stray ever come about that you would talk to each other about it. Many relationships are ruined by opportunistic flings that go wrong. Of course there are no guarantees here, but being open to discussion may just prompt a foolish impulse,

Vulnerabilities

Most couple relationships begin because of their proximity to each other, either in a work setting or in a group or any kind of regular meeting. For example in emergency services, such as police and ambulance, staff often spend a lot of time together in a twosome in their vehicles.

Because they often have more one to one time together than they do with their spouse of partner, they often find themselves exchanging intimate details about themselves, and without realising it or even intending it, they stray into emotional infidelity.

Similarly, when one of a couple needs to work away from home regularly, they will quite naturally and reasonably get to know a network of people unknown to their spouse. They may build up a whole social life and in effect have two separate lives. This an certainly present challenges to the couple relationship and safeguards need to be agreed.

Warning signs

Tell tale signs that thoughts of infidelity may be in the air are when your partner takes a sudden interest in their appearance, wearing different style clothes, and particularly spending extra money on new underwear or aftershave

New activities and different time keeping also can be a sign, as well as needing to pop out at odd times in spite of weather condition. Of course these things in themselves don’t mean an affair, but often you would have a gut feeling about it too. The best way of dealing with it is just to be honest about your observations without making any accusations.

Reasons For Affairs

Like I said, affairs are usually opportunistic, arising from regular proximity, but that in itself doesn’t lead to infidelity. In my experience, the majority of people who have affairs  are generally faithful but perhaps have been feeling not valued of taken for granted by their spouse. When someone else is around whose relationship with them is building up, and that person clearly values them, this can tip the scales in favour of an affair starting. This is why it is a good idea to have regular connecting conversations with your spouse or partner. What is a connecting conversation? Watch out for my next Blog Post.

Have a great week,

Grace

written by Grace \\ tags: lov; marriage; relationships; affair; infidelity; Grace Chatting

Christmas is a time for love, romance, mistletoe and happy families, right? Wrong!

For many couples and  families out there, it will be the last year they will all be together for Christmas and many of them don’t know it yet.

Solicitors know they will have their usual rush of divorce applications  in January, their  busiest time of the year.

The sad thing is that many of these marriages and relationships could have been saved if only people knew and understood about how relationships grow and develop. It is this lack of knowledge that leads to many divorces and family breakdown, not as many believe that marriage is a bad thing.

Pot-bound Relationships

You can see from the plant here that its growth is stunted as  clearly it has outgrown its current pot  and needs to be re-potted into a bigger one. Just because it is pot-bound doesn’t mean it needs to be chucked away!

Relationships are like that!

When couples start to bicker and the relationship becomes strained, it is often a sign that the relationship is ready to move into another stage rather than that it is over. Unfortunately most couples don’t know this and they misread the signs, often with disastrous results for the family.

Here is a great little video which shows how opportunities and growth points can be missed.

I shall be launching The Relationship Academy in the new year to teach lessons which weren’t taught at school.

Please Like my new page on Facebook to help me get started with spreading the word  http://on.fb.me/uZwgvz

Many thanks,

Grace

written by Grace \\ tags: relationships; love; marriage; divorce;family breakdown

By Grace Chatting

When I engage in Relationship Coaching with couples, who are experiencing marital breakdown, or who are heading for divorce, the main focus of the coaching is on the future and how they wish the relationship to be, as opposed to delving too much into the history and placing blame and fault. The couple will usually have done plenty of that already, and there is no benefit in coming to pay me to listen to it all over again.

Nevertheless I need some idea of what their difficulties are, so during the initial assessment session, I invite them to tell me what it is that they want in the relationship. Then I observe how they speak about and to (sometimes at) each other. This lets me know “What” the issues are, and also “How” they go about addressing them. Often the “How” has become the biggest problem.

STOP Signs

In particular there are four fairly common but deadly patterns of communication which I look out for; these are called the STOP Signs, made known by Harry Benson.

S = Scoring points

T = Thinking the worst

O = Opting out

P = Putting down

Sally and Harry

I saw Sally and Harry recently. They have been married for seven years and have three young children, and both have full time jobs. They separated three months ago because they were each becoming increasingly unhappy and were unable to resolve their differences.

Scoring Points

As I watched and listened to them, Sally complained about Harry’s need to drink so much on Friday evenings which meant that he wasn’t quite with it on Saturdays when Sally wanted them to go out together as a family. Harry began to score points, saying “ well, you drink too” and then they both got into a wrangle of point scoring about the amount and frequency of each others drinking and the degree of impact this had or didn’t have.

This kind of point scoring is a waste of time and does nothing to move matters forward as it is based on arguing to prove each other wrong. It needs to be recognised as an unhelpful habit which blocks them being able to arrive at an understanding of each other’s feelings and position.

Thinking The Worst

As the argument gradually became heated, Harry almost imperceptibly  turned away from Sally, crossing his arms over his chest and crossing one leg over the other away from Sally. This unconscious non verbal communication indicated that he had become defensive (and perhaps felt he, or his position, was threatened in some way).

Sally, also unconsciously picked up on the shift in his body posture, but thinking the worst, she interpreted it as, “I can see you’ve just given up now”, to which he responded, “No I haven’t”, and they were off again with Sally saying, “I know you”, chucking in a bit of mind reading for good measure.

The tendency to mind read, make assumptions and think the worst only exacerbates defensiveness and escalates conflict. Honing the skill of resolving conflict and differences is greatly enhanced by eliminating the tendency to think the worst of your partner and to always know better. It is more helpful to take a benevolent view and to also allow for the fact that you can’t absolutely know what is going on for someone else.

Opting Out

One of Sally’s complaints was that when she needed to talk to Harry about what was troubling her, he would opt out by refusing to engage in the discussion, and would even go out of the room and close himself away in another room. Indeed what Sally had interpreted from his body language as him giving up, was in fact a bad habit he had of opting out of processes or situations in which he felt uncomfortable or sometimes overwhelmed, which is not the same thing.

It became apparent by what they carried on to say, that Sally too had her own version of opting out. When she became very frustrated by Harry’s behaviour, she upped the ante, and would routinely ask Harry to leave, something which left him in a constant state of uncertainty. At times then he would actually leave in anticipation of her asking him to go, and then she would feel abandoned by him. (See Karpman Triangle)

Put Downs

Harry and Sally are not so bad as some couples in terms of overtly putting each other down. Many couples will actually say things like, “you are just talking rubbish” or “what would you know about that?” or “you haven’t a clue”, even, “you are so stupid”.

One of the best known relationship researchers, John Gottman, has found from longitudinal studies which he and his wife carried out with thousands of couples, is that a spouse  treating their partner with contempt, is a primary indicator that the marriage will end in divorce.

Sally and Harry did not have these overt behaviours but covertly they were contemptuous of each other, which of course made them feel not valued and insignificant to the other.

Communication

You can see how these habits really contaminated and sabotaged all Harry and Sally’s efforts to resolve their differences and kept them stuck in their separate corners, feeling hopeless and impotent..

The way forward for them is set out in a ten step process in my my book Breakthrough to Love.

Watch out for my next blog post which will describe the process of Intentional Dialogue, as espoused by Harville Hendrix, sometimes also known as the Listen and Check exercise. This framework for communication provides couples like Sally and Harry with a framework to begin to develop heartfelt understanding of each other.and also a much deeper level of intimacy.

Grace Chatting, located in Plymouth, UK, is a Transformation and Relationship coach, writer, and workshop facilitator. She is also a Family Mediator and Psychotherapist. Her passion is empowerment arising from personal growth, integrity and authenticity.

Grace can be found on her blog www.gracechatting.com; http://twitter.com@GraceChatting/ http://www.linkedin.com/in/GraceChatting http://facebook.com/GraceChatting

Email grace@gracechatting.com

Grace can be reached on (44) 07816491165 if you wish to arrange a consultation

written by Grace \\ tags: Relationship; Coaching; Divorce; Marriage; John Gottman; Harville Hendrix; Grace Chatting; Breakthrough to Love;

One thing I really love and appreciate in my marriage to Alan is that we are very willing – and able,  to converse with each other. For example, last  Sunday afternoon we sat in bed with a bottle of wine, and  talked to each other for about five hours and thoroughly enjoyed the intimacy in doing so. This wasn’t idle chit chat.

Conversation is a skill

Over the years we have been together, we have become aware of the importance of conversation for promoting intimacy, and we have made a point of consciously developing our conversation skills with each other.Although we routinely chat or talk to each other and have discussions about many things, we recognise that a conversation is different  and the ability to hold a conversation is, in my view, a fundamental relating skill.

We learn from our parents

In my first marriage which finished in a very acrimonious divorce, we rarely had a conversation with  each other. We thought we did because we talked a lot, but we would be listening with a view to dispute or discount what the other was saying. At best we would just be waiting to say what we wanted to say. We never really HEARD each other.

We had both grown up in a working class Irish culture where although witty and charming, people liked to hear themselves talking and however good naturedly, would aim to talk each other down. In a marriage, over time,  this is erosive and corrosive to the relationship.

Conversation is not just talking

I see couples who have real difficulty expressing themselves to each other. Often it is the case that when people meet and are attracted to each other, they spend a lot of time talking and exchanging history and information with each other about their families, their work, previous relationships and holidays etc.. Then they decide to marry and set up home together and perhaps start a family; lots to talk about there, but several years down the line when all these events are over, they realise, they have nothing to say to each other. In fact, they may never have had a real conversation.

Role modelling for your children

This doesn’t mean that they are not right for each other, it just means that they lack conversational skills. Sadly, without these skills they are unable to maintain a connection with each other or to be able to resolve conflicts which inevitably arise. They are likely to break up, and then go and repeat the whole scenario with someone else, maybe even several times.

The amount of heartache generated is not to be underestimated. The tragedy is that they role model this for their children, who go out into the world and make the same mistakes. It is all avoidable, if only they took the time to learn conversation skills and practice this together.

Those of you who drive will know what a useful skill that is and how much easier it makes life. Equally, learning conversation skills can transform your relationships.

Free video series

I see conversation skills as so fundamental and crucial to enriching and sustaining intimacy and passion in relationships, that I am creating a series of short videos which I shall make available soon.

Watch out for them and learn how to become really skilled, not just in making conversation, but in being a great conversationalist!

Grace Chatting, located in Plymouth, UK, is a Transformation and Relationship coach, writer, and workshop facilitator.  She is also a Family Mediator and Psychotherapist.  Her passion is empowerment arising from personal growth, integrity and authenticity.

Grace can be found on her blog

 http://twitter.com@GraceChatting/

http://www.linkedin.com/in/GraceChatting http://facebook.com/GraceChatting

Email grace@gracechatting.com

Grace can be reached on (44) 07816491165 if you wish to arrange a consultation

written by Grace \\ tags: love;marriage;intimacy;conversation skills;Grace Chatting

One of the things I love about my marriage is that we don’t have set routines. I avoid them like the plague. Every day is different, and every week is different. We get up and go to bed at different times every day and we do completely different things every weekend. We eat when we are hungry, not when the clock says it is time to eat. I really love the freedom of it.

Alan has arranged a surprise weekend away for next week. I have no idea where we are going. It doesn’t really matter where it is, we are having fun looking forward to it and some banter about my guessing. This meets my need for Variety and Significance; it makes me feel special and valued.

Routine can kill your marriage

Most people set up routines when they have children. This is necessary up to a point because children need predictability. It makes them feel secure, but a wise couple will maintain some degree of spontaneity, unstructured time and playfulness.

I have many clients who wonder what went wrong with their marriages, but then proceed to tell me how they have Egg and chips for tea every Tuesday, visit her mother every Wednesday, go shopping every Thursday and do the laundry every Saturday, or some version of that. And they have been doing that for the past 15 years! Small wonder he has gone off with someone else!

Their need for Certainty totally overrides all their other relationship needs. This is very short sighted. All that routine and predictability squashes new possibilities of more intimacy and puts the marriage on the level of being housemates.

Relationship Needs

Anthony Robbins teaches about six needs we all have and that our couple relationship should meet, these are; Certainty, Variety, Significance, Love and Connection, Growth and Contribution.

He points out that if we don’t meet these needs constructively within the marriage or relationship, we will meet them outside it.

In the following video clip he poses the questions:-

• What are some of the ways you use to meet your need for uncertainty and variety?
• What do you do with your physiology, with your focus and your language?
• Do you have problems, hesitations or fears that give you emotional uncertainty?
• What are some of the ways you use to get the feeling of Connection?
• Do you get it by giving or receiving or both?
• What do you do in order to receive from others?
• How do you give love and connection to others?
• Do you experience love on a regular basis or do you hold back from love?

Grace Chatting, located in Plymouth, UK, is a Transformation and Relationship coach, writer, and workshop facilitator.  She is also a Family Mediator and Psychotherapist.  Her passion is empowerment arising from personal growth, integrity and authenticity.

Grace can be found on her blog www.gracechatting.com; http://twitter.com@GraceChatting/ http://www.linkedin.com/in/GraceChatting http://facebook.com/GraceChatting

Email grace@gracechatting.com

Grace can be reached on (44) 07816491165 if you wish to arrange a consultation

written by Grace \\ tags: Anthony Robbins;grace Chatting; Marriage; Relationships