Grace Chatting

Of the many clients I see each year about their love, marriage and relationship issues, I notice that some are suspicious and jealous, suspecting their partners of seeing someone behind their back.or being unfaithful, without any grounds other than their own feelings of insecurity.

Others are heartbroken because they found out that their partner had cheated on them, and they had thought it could never happen to them, therefore didn’t see it coming. I saw one lady in her 70s ( who quite reasonable considered herself safe and settled)  whose same aged partner had left her for a woman in her 50s. I have also seen a number of couples who had affairs after they had celebrated their silver wedding anniversary.

Talk to each other

There is a middle road. You don’t have to be suspecting your partner of any misdemeanour to simply talk about the subject of infidelity as a preventive measure. There can be an agreement made that should temptation to stray ever come about that you would talk to each other about it. Many relationships are ruined by opportunistic flings that go wrong. Of course there are no guarantees here, but being open to discussion may just prompt a foolish impulse,

Vulnerabilities

Most couple relationships begin because of their proximity to each other, either in a work setting or in a group or any kind of regular meeting. For example in emergency services, such as police and ambulance, staff often spend a lot of time together in a twosome in their vehicles.

Because they often have more one to one time together than they do with their spouse of partner, they often find themselves exchanging intimate details about themselves, and without realising it or even intending it, they stray into emotional infidelity.

Similarly, when one of a couple needs to work away from home regularly, they will quite naturally and reasonably get to know a network of people unknown to their spouse. They may build up a whole social life and in effect have two separate lives. This an certainly present challenges to the couple relationship and safeguards need to be agreed.

Warning signs

Tell tale signs that thoughts of infidelity may be in the air are when your partner takes a sudden interest in their appearance, wearing different style clothes, and particularly spending extra money on new underwear or aftershave

New activities and different time keeping also can be a sign, as well as needing to pop out at odd times in spite of weather condition. Of course these things in themselves don’t mean an affair, but often you would have a gut feeling about it too. The best way of dealing with it is just to be honest about your observations without making any accusations.

Reasons For Affairs

Like I said, affairs are usually opportunistic, arising from regular proximity, but that in itself doesn’t lead to infidelity. In my experience, the majority of people who have affairs  are generally faithful but perhaps have been feeling not valued of taken for granted by their spouse. When someone else is around whose relationship with them is building up, and that person clearly values them, this can tip the scales in favour of an affair starting. This is why it is a good idea to have regular connecting conversations with your spouse or partner. What is a connecting conversation? Watch out for my next Blog Post.

Have a great week,

Grace

written by Grace \\ tags: lov; marriage; relationships; affair; infidelity; Grace Chatting

By Grace Chatting

So you want to be in a relationship, be warned, dating married people is definitely a bad idea. It’s not just that they’ve already made a commitment to someone else, it’s not even that it’s morally wrong in the eyes of most cultures, but mainly it’s because the relationship is going to go nowhere!

Why date someone who is married.? Well there are those who habitually date people who are married not because they want a secure relationship, but rather that they don’t want to make a commitment to someone else themselves. This works out great for them. They get to have the “plus” aspects of a relationship without being tied down. You should know however that there is a downside to this kind of relationship  because the married partner isn’t always able to turn up for dates, or has to be home by a certain time so as not to arouse suspicion at home, and there will be certain places you are unable to go together for fear of them being seen with you.

If you enter into an affair, you are going to become almost invisible as a date. You are not free to find another partner who is free to date you openly, and yet you are not visibly attached to anyone. Anytime you and the person you have entered the affair with go somewhere, you risk the possibility of their partner finding out and so your married date may choose some very obscure places to eat – supposing they ever dare to be seen with you at all in public! If you happen to see your married date at a restaurant, or function, you need to be prepared to meet the partner they’re committed to. You will also need to be prepared to act as if you don’t know this married date very well and be careful not to say anything that would imply differently.

Don’t fall for the old line of “my partner doesn’t understand me and I’m going to leave them”. In all likelihood this isn’t going to happen. They aren’t going to leave their nice house, nice family, nice job, nice place in the community for you. Well they might, but the odds are really stacked against you on that on. Besides, if they’ve cheated on the person they’re married to and then left them for you, you have to consider that they could do this again, only this time it will you that’s left alone! I have certainly had clients that this has happened to.

Do you really want to be little more than a shadow? Someone who is there when your married partner requests it? Someone who never gets to spend Christmas with them. Someone who never gets to call them at their home or office in case someone figures out that they’re having an affair?

This may work if you’re not looking to have someone there for you on the days when you need support and comfort, but if you want a relationship which has more than a sexual context to it, then having an affair with a married person is not the answer to your dating dilemma. Better to wait for someone who is available. Happiness is rarely ever achieved at someone else’s expense.

Be happy,

Grace grace@gracechatting.com

written by Grace \\ tags: Relationship; Dating; Marriage; Affair; Grace Chatting; Love

In the last 25 years that I have worked with literally thousands of couples, inevitably a large number of those have been in the aftermath of an affair or some kind of infidelity.

There seems to be a view of those who have affairs that they are cavalier in their attitude and simply don’t give a damn about who gets hurt. Whilst it is true that some are like this, in my experience, they are definitely the minority.

Who’s to blame?

When infidelity becomes common knowledge, people invariably look to place blame, but this is not helpful. Ultimately, it is not really possible to apportion blame, and can only be speculative, although the one who has been unfaithful seems like the obvious villain.

For the vast majority of couples, the pain following an affair is devastating and blaming only makes matters worse. Often the betrayed party blames themselves in some way when perhaps the worst that they did was to take their spouse for granted to some extent.

Why does it happen?

The vast majority of people who have affairs never set out intending for it to happen, nor did their partners realize that their marriage was in danger. It doesn’t do to become too complacent. I saw a client who was 75 years old and her husband had left her for a 60 year old. Rather than place blame, I prefer to see it as a set of conditions which optimize the chances of an affair happening.

Red Flags

In the majority of cases where someone is unfaithful, most of the following factors were present:-

• · there were aspects of their marriage about which they were unhappy
• · they didn’t address it
• · The couples communication was poor
• · They had become disconnected
• · their spouse was unwilling to listen or take the matter seriously
• · they never wished to hurt their spouse
• · some friend or kind person they worked with noticed and gave a listening ear
• · they began to confide in this person
• · this person paid attention and listened empathically
• · this person treated them as though they were important and their feelings mattered
• · this person offered them a shoulder to cry on
• · they try once again and fail to talk to their spouse

You can see that now it is not so black and white whose fault it is. There are grey areas. It is never a good idea to apportion blame as far as infidelity is concerned, although the person who is unfaithful must accept some responsibility for the ensuing devastation.

Emotional Infidelity

At this stage, they may not have embarked on an affair, but certainly there has been emotional infidelity insofar as they have been confiding their intimate feelings to someone other than their spouse. This is usually the precursor to an affair, leading to secret meetings and eventually sexual infidelity.

Can the marriage be saved?

Yes is the short answer, but an ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure.In most cases these incredibly damaging situations can be avoided by nipping matters in the bud. Of course no two situations are the same, and there are many kinds of infidelity. Anytime someone is unhappy with their partner or marriage they need to persevere with sorting matters out rather than taking their troubles outside the marriage, unless it is to seek professional help.

These situations although painful, can be turned around by the couple learning conflict resolution and communication skills. Learn how to do this by getting a copy of my book, Breakthrough To Love

Grace Chatting, located in Plymouth, UK, is a Transformation and Relationship coach, writer, and workshop facilitator.  She is also a Family Mediator and Psychotherapist.  Her passion is empowerment arising from personal growth, integrity and authenticity.

Grace can be found on her blog www.gracechatting.com; http://twitter.com@GraceChatting/

 http://www.linkedin.com/in/GraceChatting

http://facebook.com/GraceChatting

Email grace@gracechatting.com

Grace can be reached on (44) 07816491165 if you wish to arrange a consultation

written by Grace \\ tags: Grace Chatting;Infidelity;Affair;Divorce

All relationships go through troubled times at some point. But sometimes, the troubled times give way to infidelity on one person’s part. This can be a really tough thing for any relationship to bounce back from.

  If this has happened to you, there are ways to avoid a complete shutdown of your relationship. The first thing is to make sure that you want to carry on with the relationship. A number of factors will influence this decision, for example, is this the first time this has happened? Do you have children? In order to bounce back from your partner having an affair, you must be willing to try to resolve the issue.

  If one partner isn’t willing, or wants to hang onto a grudge, then there will be no way of fixing it, no matter how hard each person tries. Agree to allow each other some space for hurt and angry feelings to subside before you start to fix anything.

Both of you will need to spend some time alone and think the matter through. You’ll need a clear head when you start the recovery process. You’ll need to allow time for this to happen. Sometimes the party who has been unfaithful feels so guilty and remorseful that they just want to draw a line under the event. However, it is usually not possible for the other party to do this. They are likely to be in a state of shock and confusion. The aggrieved party, on the one hand does not want to lose their partner, but on the other hand, feels so hurt and angry that they can’t bear to be around the other one.

Recovering from this kind of ambivalence doesn’t happen in a couple of days. If you go into it thinking that it will, you’re only setting your relationship recovery up for failure. At a time like this it is likely that neither party is able to eat or sleep properly, and you are both likely to feel exhausted. It is usually helpful if you can take some time off work as it is unlikely that you will be able to do your job properly, and trying to, will only add stress.

When your heads are somewhat clear and you’re both ready, it may be an idea, if you have children, to have them looked after and to find a Relationship Coach who can help you both to sit down and talk it out. The Coach will help to calmly discuss why the infidelity happened in the first place, find out what caused it and see if things can change to prevent it from happening again.

Deal only with your partner. Don’t make the mistake of trying to go after the person who they were unfaithful with or bring outsiders into the mix to take sides. Even though it takes two to tango, there’s no reason to drag the other person into it. The problem lies with your partner - and you need to find out what caused them to do it.

Discuss what your feelings are since this has happened. It wasn’t easy on you to find out about the infidelity your partner was involved in. He or she will need to know exactly what you went through when you found out.

The help of a professional Coach can prevent a fragile relationship from breaking down completely and can also educate you both how to safely get back on track with each other. If you are both are willing, you can work out the problems and issues the infidelity has raised in the relationship. Recovery will come a little faster for both of you if you are willing to talk out  feelings with a trained professional.

Wishing you love

Grace

grace@gracechatting.com

written by Grace \\ tags: relationships;infidelity;affair;relationship coach;life coach