Jan 13
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grace@relationshipacademy.co.uk
Dec 06
Christmas is a time for love, romance, mistletoe and happy families, right? Wrong!
For many couples and families out there, it will be the last year they will all be together for Christmas and many of them don’t know it yet.
Solicitors know they will have their usual rush of divorce applications in January, their busiest time of the year.
The sad thing is that many of these marriages and relationships could have been saved if only people knew and understood about how relationships grow and develop. It is this lack of knowledge that leads to many divorces and family breakdown, not as many believe that marriage is a bad thing.
Pot-bound Relationships
You can see from the plant here that its growth is stunted as clearly it has outgrown its current pot and needs to be re-potted into a bigger one. Just because it is pot-bound doesn’t mean it needs to be chucked away!
Relationships are like that!
When couples start to bicker and the relationship becomes strained, it is often a sign that the relationship is ready to move into another stage rather than that it is over. Unfortunately most couples don’t know this and they misread the signs, often with disastrous results for the family.
Here is a great little video which shows how opportunities and growth points can be missed.
Don’t let this happen to you!
I shall be launching The Relationship Academy in the new year to teach lessons which weren’t taught at school.
Please Like my new page on Facebook to help me get started with spreading the word 
http://on.fb.me/uZwgvz
Many thanks,
Grace
Nov 17
By Grace Chatting
When relationships and marriages break down, it is acrimony between parents which is the most damaging aspect of the separation or divorce for children. Everything should be done for parents to go beyond being ex spouses to becoming co-parents.
Children’s Divided Loyalties
I see many separated and divorced couples whose conflict continues through the contact arrangements for the children. There are a number of factors which contribute to this; one is that children generally love and feel loyal to both their parents and want to keep their approval, consequently they often tell each parent what they think that parent wants to hear.
Of course the problem with this is that often what the child has told each party is not only different but is conflicting, and each parent thinks they know for sure what the child’s wishes are.
It is a wise parent who understands that children can and often do have mixed feelings makes allowances for the kind of misunderstandings that can arise from that.
Different Parenting Styles
Another source of conflict is when parents can’t accept that it is okay for them to have different parenting styles. Of course it makes life easier all round if they have the same general approach and values, but often part of the reason for them separating in the first place is their different approaches to life which have emerged.
It is helpful if they do not take up a stance of seeing their way as THE way, and the other parents way as wrong. I have seen many parents unwittingly create a lot of conflict by trying to impose their ways on their separated spouse.
A word of caution: although it doesn’t make either party right or wrong if parents have different approaches to parenting, it really does make a difference to the child if there is some degree of consistency in terms of bedtimes and TV use etc., to avoid getting into a “good parent/bad parent” game, which certainly is not good for anyone.
Co-Parenting Phone Call
Another thing which is not helpful is when parents make arrangements via the children, or during handover at the end of a contact visit. These times are often tense and likely to result in misunderstandings. Also it is better not to hold discussions in front of the children because this can often be tense for them.
A weekly phone call with the following agenda is helpful not only for avoiding oversights in information sharing, but it also helps the non resident parent keep in touch with what is happening in the child’s life.
Agenda
- The Good Stuff: things you are pleased and positive about
- Medical Issues or Concerns
- School Related Issues: performance, behaviour, homework, concerts, meetings etc.
- Activities: hobbies, groups, sports etc.
- Caretaking: decisions around things like sleeping, eating, computer use, grounding, privileges etc.
- Behaviour: concerns at home or in school, discipline, how you handle/manage this..
- Scheduling: Diary dates for social events, planned trips or holidays, visits from relatives etc.
- Day and time of next call
If you would like further information about co-parenting email grace@gracechatting.com
Sep 03
By Grace Chatting
When I engage in Relationship Coaching with couples, who are experiencing marital breakdown, or who are heading for divorce, the main focus of the coaching is on the future and how they wish the relationship to be, as opposed to delving too much into the history and placing blame and fault. The couple will usually have done plenty of that already, and there is no benefit in coming to pay me to listen to it all over again.
Nevertheless I need some idea of what their difficulties are, so during the initial assessment session, I invite them to tell me what it is that they want in the relationship. Then I observe how they speak about and to (sometimes at) each other. This lets me know “What” the issues are, and also “How” they go about addressing them. Often the “How” has become the biggest problem.
STOP Signs
In particular there are four fairly common but deadly patterns of communication which I look out for; these are called the STOP Signs, 
made known by Harry Benson.
S = Scoring points
T = Thinking the worst
O = Opting out
P = Putting down
Sally and Harry
I saw Sally and Harry recently. They have been married for seven years and have three young children, and both have full time jobs. They separated three months ago because they were each becoming increasingly unhappy and were unable to resolve their differences.
Scoring Points
As I watched and listened to them, Sally complained about Harry’s need to drink so much on Friday evenings which meant that he wasn’t quite with it on Saturdays when Sally wanted them to go out together as a family. Harry began to score points, saying “ well, you drink too” and then they both
got into a wrangle of point scoring about the amount and frequency of each others drinking and the degree of impact this had or didn’t have.
This kind of point scoring is a waste of time and does nothing to move matters forward as it is based on arguing to prove each other wrong. It needs to be recognised as an unhelpful habit which blocks them being able to arrive at an understanding of each other’s feelings and position.
Thinking The Worst
As the argument gradually became heated, Harry almost imperceptibly turned away from Sally, crossing his arms over his chest and crossing one leg over the other away from Sally. This unconscious non verbal communication indicated that he had become defensive (and perhaps felt he, or his position, was threatened in some way).
Sally, also unconsciously picked up on the shift in his body posture, but thinking the worst, she interpreted it as, “I can see you’ve just given up now”, to which he responded, “No I haven’t”, and they were off again with Sally saying, “I know you”, chucking in a bit of mind reading for good measure.
The tendency to mind read, make assumptions and think the worst only exacerbates defensiveness and escalates conflict. Honing the skill of resolving conflict and differences is greatly enhanced by eliminating the tendency to think the worst of your partner and to always know better. It is more helpful to take a benevolent view and to also allow for the fact that you can’t absolutely know what is going on for someone else.
Opting Out
One of Sally’s complaints was that when she needed to talk to Harry about what was troubling her, he would opt out by refusing to engage in the discussion, and would even go out of the room and close himself away in another room. Indeed what Sally had interpreted from his body language as him giving up, was in fact a bad habit he had of opting out of processes or situations in which he felt uncomfortable or sometimes overwhelmed, which is not the same thing.
It became apparent by what they carried on to say, that Sally too had her own version of opting out. When she became very frustrated by Harry’s behaviour, she upped the ante, and would routinely ask Harry to leave, something which left him in a constant state of uncertainty. At times then he would actually leave in anticipation of her asking him to go, and then she would feel abandoned by him. (See Karpman Triangle)
Put Downs
Harry and Sally are not so bad as some couples in terms of overtly putting each other down. Many couples will actually say things like, “you are just talking rubbish” or “what would you know about that?” or “you haven’t a clue”, even, “you are so stupid”.
One of the best known relationship researchers, John Gottman, has found from longitudinal studies which he and his wife carried out with thousands of couples, is that a spouse treating their partner with contempt, is a primary indicator that the marriage will end in divorce.
Sally and Harry did not have these overt behaviours but covertly they were contemptuous of each other, which of course made them feel not valued and insignificant to the other.
Communication
You can see how these habits really contaminated and sabotaged all Harry and Sally’s efforts to resolve their differences and kept them stuck in their separate corners, feeling hopeless and impotent..
The way forward for them is set out in a ten step process in my my book Breakthrough to Love.
Watch out for my next blog post which will describe the process of Intentional Dialogue, as espoused by Harville Hendrix, sometimes also known as the Listen and Check exercise. This framework for communication provides couples like Sally and Harry with a framework to begin to develop heartfelt understanding of each other.and also a much deeper level of intimacy.
Grace Chatting, located in Plymouth, UK, is a Transformation and Relationship coach, writer, and workshop facilitator. She is also a Family Mediator and Psychotherapist. Her passion is empowerment arising from personal growth, integrity and authenticity.
Grace can be found on her blog www.gracechatting.com; http://twitter.com@GraceChatting/ http://www.linkedin.com/in/GraceChatting http://facebook.com/GraceChatting
Email grace@gracechatting.com
Grace can be reached on (44) 07816491165 if you wish to arrange a consultation
Mar 20
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/35065
In the last 25 years that I have worked with literally thousands of couples, inevitably a large number of those have been in the aftermath of an affair or some kind of infidelity.
There seems to be a view of those who have affairs that they are cavalier in their attitude and simply don’t give a damn about who gets hurt. Whilst it is true that some are like this, in my experience, they are definitely the minority.
Who’s to blame?
When infidelity becomes common knowledge, people invariably look to place blame, but this is not helpful. Ultimately, it is not really possible to apportion blame, and can only be speculative, although the one who has been unfaithful seems like the obvious villain.
For the vast majority of couples, the pain following an affair is devastating and blaming only makes matters worse. Often the betrayed party blames themselves in some way when perhaps the worst that they did was to take their spouse for granted to some extent.
Why does it happen?
The vast majority of people who have affairs never set out intending for it to happen, nor did their partners realize that their marriage was in danger. It doesn’t do to become too complacent. I saw a client who was 75 years old and her husband had left her for a 60 year old. Rather than place blame, I prefer to see it as a set of conditions which optimize the chances of an affair happening.
Red Flags
In the majority of cases where someone is unfaithful, most of the following factors were present:-
- · there were aspects of their marriage about which they were unhappy
- · they didn’t address it
- · The couples communication was poor
- · They had become disconnected
- · their spouse was unwilling to listen or take the matter seriously
- · they never wished to hurt their spouse
- · some friend or kind person they worked with noticed and gave a listening ear
- · they began to confide in this person
- · this person paid attention and listened empathically
- · this person treated them as though they were important and their feelings mattered
- · this person offered them a shoulder to cry on
- · they try once again and fail to talk to their spouse
You can see that now it is not so black and white whose fault it is. There are grey areas. It is never a good idea to apportion blame as far as infidelity is concerned, although the person who is unfaithful must accept some responsibility for the ensuing devastation.
Emotional Infidelity
At this stage, they may not have embarked on an affair, but certainly there has been emotional infidelity insofar as they have been confiding their intimate feelings to someone other than their spouse. This is usually the precursor to an affair, leading to secret meetings and eventually sexual infidelity.
Can the marriage be saved?
Yes is the short answer, but an ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure.In most cases these incredibly damaging situations can be avoided by nipping matters in the bud. Of course no two situations are the same, and there are many kinds of infidelity. Anytime someone is unhappy with their partner or marriage they need to persevere with sorting matters out rather than taking their troubles outside the marriage, unless it is to seek professional help.
These situations although painful, can be turned around by the couple learning conflict resolution and communication skills. Learn how to do this by getting a copy of my book, Breakthrough To Love
Grace Chatting, located in Plymouth, UK, is a Transformation and Relationship coach, writer, and workshop facilitator. She is also a Family Mediator and Psychotherapist. Her passion is empowerment arising from personal growth, integrity and authenticity.
Grace can be found on her blog www.gracechatting.com; http://twitter.com@GraceChatting/
http://www.linkedin.com/in/GraceChatting
http://facebook.com/GraceChatting
Email grace@gracechatting.com
Grace can be reached on (44) 07816491165 if you wish to arrange a consultation
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