By Grace Chatting

So you want to be in a relationship, be warned, dating married people is definitely a bad idea. It’s not just that they’ve already made a commitment to someone else, it’s not even that it’s morally wrong in the eyes of most cultures, but mainly it’s because the relationship is going to go nowhere!

Why date someone who is married.? Well there are those who habitually date people who are married not because they want a secure relationship, but rather that they don’t want to make a commitment to someone else themselves. This works out great for them. They get to have the “plus” aspects of a relationship without being tied down. You should know however that there is a downside to this kind of relationship  because the married partner isn’t always able to turn up for dates, or has to be home by a certain time so as not to arouse suspicion at home, and there will be certain places you are unable to go together for fear of them being seen with you.

If you enter into an affair, you are going to become almost invisible as a date. You are not free to find another partner who is free to date you openly, and yet you are not visibly attached to anyone. Anytime you and the person you have entered the affair with go somewhere, you risk the possibility of their partner finding out and so your married date may choose some very obscure places to eat – supposing they ever dare to be seen with you at all in public! If you happen to see your married date at a restaurant, or function, you need to be prepared to meet the partner they’re committed to. You will also need to be prepared to act as if you don’t know this married date very well and be careful not to say anything that would imply differently.

Don’t fall for the old line of “my partner doesn’t understand me and I’m going to leave them”. In all likelihood this isn’t going to happen. They aren’t going to leave their nice house, nice family, nice job, nice place in the community for you. Well they might, but the odds are really stacked against you on that on. Besides, if they’ve cheated on the person they’re married to and then left them for you, you have to consider that they could do this again, only this time it will you that’s left alone! I have certainly had clients that this has happened to.

Do you really want to be little more than a shadow? Someone who is there when your married partner requests it? Someone who never gets to spend Christmas with them. Someone who never gets to call them at their home or office in case someone figures out that they’re having an affair?

This may work if you’re not looking to have someone there for you on the days when you need support and comfort, but if you want a relationship which has more than a sexual context to it, then having an affair with a married person is not the answer to your dating dilemma. Better to wait for someone who is available. Happiness is rarely ever achieved at someone else’s expense.

Be happy,

Grace grace@gracechatting.com

written by Grace \\ tags: Relationship; Dating; Marriage; Affair; Grace Chatting; Love

Just a brief post to highlight that whilst cuddles are great in relationships and on dates to show our love for someone, sometimes there is a timing issue. I see many couples who take offense and feel hurt and rejected if their partners don’t always want to receive their attentions. This little video says it all

         Stay Happy,

            Grace

written by Grace \\ tags: Dates; Relationships; Hugs; Love

In our roles as Life and Relationship Coaches, for many years now Alan and myself have come across scores of men and women in their mid 30s – 40s who are single and don’t want to be. Mostly they are really attractive fairly successful and eligible people and they are at a stage in life when they want to have a life partner, a home and a family.They just don’t seem to be able to find a suitable partner anywhere.

Many start to feel quite lonely and despairing, especially the women whose biological clock is ticking away. Men also get concerned because they want to still be young enough to be a friend to their teenage offspring. This can be the start of a vicious cycle. These feelings of hopelessness and loneliness tend to be unattractive to potential partners and give out messages of neediness, which is off putting.

There is no doubt that if you find yourself still single after mid 30s, most of your friends have moved on, married and perhaps had children, and you may be out of the loop as far as relationships go.

You may have been in a long term relationship  which has ended, and now find yourself newly single. It’s difficult to find networks of people who are necessarily your type. As a young adult you could easily meet potential dates or partners in clubs, bars, nightclubs and parties , or at college or university. As you get older, those avenues are not so available or appropriate. So, what do you do?

Online/Offline Dating

Many people are now meeting online and after kissing a few frogs are fortunate enough to find a prince/ss. Whilst this may be a way of meeting people, there is something of a skill to writing profiles for dating sites, and not everyone can present themselves attractively online.

People, especially women worry that they may not be able to trust people that they meet online, but the same arguments could be raised for meeting someone anywhere. There is always a need to be discerning about who you enter into a relationship with no matter where you meet them. Often (but not always) the most reliable prospects are people who are introduced to you by someone you know.

The Good News

I have organised a day which I am calling Making New Connections Cafe  http://makingnewconnections.eventbrite.com for many of these folk to be able to meet each other. The day will be in the World Cafe style http://www.theworldcafe.com. These days are relaxed and great fun, and consist of breaking down into small groups of people having interesting and stimulating conversations around a number of small tables, which they move around, so everyone has a chance to meet everyone else.

I shall pose questions for each conversation to focus on, so people won’t be wondering what to talk about. This kind of gathering helps those who have been single for some time to get right into conversations with lots of new people and to get comfortable with that. It is a way of getting out of your comfort zone… comfortably!

Invitation

It seems to me that most single people go about pretending they aren’t really bothered about being single, when they are. They put up a front. This is not helpful, it sends mixed messages.

I invite you all now, to come out of the closet and come along to my Making New Connections day http://makingnewconnections.eventbrite.com and allow me to introduce you to lots of new and interesting people and share a buffet lunch with us all.

If you really want to push the boat out, why not come along to the 2 day Singles Workshop in the west of Ireland http://www.burrenlifebalance.com/

Grace Chatting, located in Plymouth, UK, is a Transformation and Relationship coach, writer, and workshop facilitator.  She is also a Family Mediator and Psychotherapist.  Her passion is empowerment arising from personal growth, integrity and authenticity.

Grace can be found on her blog www.gracechatting.com; http://twitter.com@GraceChatting/

http://www.linkedin.com/in/GraceChatting http://facebook.com/GraceChatting

Email grace@gracechatting.com

Grace can be reached on (44) 07816491165 if you wish to arrange a consultation

written by Grace \\ tags: Dating; Singles; Grace Chatting; Burren Life Balance;

To strengthen your relationship, at the beginning of each year, it is a good idea to ask your partner what they would most like to achieve in the coming year and how you could help them with that. You can do the same. This sets a tone of connection throughout the year ahead.

It is useful to build in reviews of how you are each progressing, offering each other support and encouragement throughout the year, working as a team.

This is also a good time to set some goals for your relationship. Here are some suggestions;

Weekly Date Night

“Why would a couple that lives and sleeps together every night need dates and rituals? Precisely because they live and sleep together.” Bill Doherty

Have a ‘Date Night’ every week - just the two of you, away from the house. Many couples simply get out of the habit of being a couple because they become too busy being parents, or constantly being in the company of family or friends. You should both take turns at organising the date. Arrange childcare and transport if necessary.

The date does not have to be expensive or exotic, but it must allow you both the opportunity to look at and talk to each other. Remember what I have said about the importance of touch. If you are a couple who are not very tactile, remember, this is not your natural state. Practice holding hands, and gentle, casual touching. Learn to be more comfortable with touch, it is as essential for your well being as drinking water is for your health.

It may be that your weekly date is during the day, in which case it is really good if you can be in nature, either walking in the woods, by a river or by the sea. There are all sorts of extra benefits from being in the fresh air and sunshine, especially somewhere beautiful.

Creating some positive memories and associations is like putting deposits in your emotional bank. There is something to draw on then when the going gets tough.

Monthly

Visit somewhere new, perhaps on one of your weekly dates, that neither of you have seen before. It is useful and pleasant to create a list of all the places within a 30-mile radius that you would like to visit or explore. Making a point of seeing new places together helps to keep some freshness in your relationship. It may be a new town or village, a place of interest, a new walk, or a different restaurant.

This gives you the opportunity to anticipate a new experience, to be curious and to wonder, perhaps even to be excited. These are feelings and states that couples usually have at the beginning of their relationship that can get lost in day-to-day life. Be positive and make the most of every occasion.

Visiting a new place allows you both to let the childlike part of you to come to the forefront. You can decide to have an adventure, be spontaneous and playful.

Having a regular monthly adventure prevents you both from becoming too serious or caught in a rut. It also gives you something positive and fun to talk to each other about and allows you to be a couple again.

Quarterly

Have a weekend away together at least quarterly or more often if you can afford to do so. This may depend on your resources such as money and availability of childcare. It is well worth making the effort to get away together at least a couple of weekends a year without children, family or friends.

The primary purpose is to just hang out together, enjoy each other’s company and pay attention to each other. Just being away from house, home, phone, computer, and children allows you the opportunity to switch off and de-stress. It also gives you both something to look forward to.

Annually

Aim to have at least one annual holiday – preferably in the sunshine. If you have children, discuss and negotiate how you can each have a bit of time to yourself during the holiday. Agree how you can help each other achieve what you each most want to achieve from the holiday.

All of these things help to keep your connection solid and provides an environment to maintain the commitment and spark in your relationship.

Be great role models

Remember you will be role modelling for your children, how to have a great relationship. This is a real gift to them – priceless, and helps to fulfil your role of being great parents.

Write down your plan for the year. This makes it more concrete and something you are both committed to as a couple. You can use it to review progress throughout the year.

Happy New Year

                Grace

For more on developing happy and fulfilling relationships, subscribe to the RSS Feed of my Blog. Follow me on Twitter@afterido. You can connect to me on LinkedIn or friend me on Facebook. If I can help you or your relationship, check out my coaching and consulting practice via LinkedIn, email me on grace@gracechatting.com  or call me on 07816491165

written by Grace \\ tags: relationship; 2011; love; date; intimacy; Grace Chatting

It’s that time of year again when, in spite of appearances, many marriages and relationships run into trouble over the Christmas period, resulting in a rise in applications for divorce every January. The stress from time, money and family pressures can be the proverbial straw that breaks the camels back. Don’t let that happen to you!

Start to create positive daily habits which forge connection between you and your partner so you can withstand the hectivity.

Love is not enough

• Love is not enough. It is so important for you to maintain connection with each other when life gets busy. Here are a few more things you can do to boost connection and intimacy. They don’t take much time but they make a huge difference to the quality of your relationship

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• Give each other a good  full body hug before going your separate ways for the day and wish each other a good day with as much warmth as you can muster. Pecks on the cheek are out!

• Midday – take turns to contact each other just for the sole purpose of connecting and passing caring good wishes to each other. Be totally present and  offer appreciation to each other. This call also gives an opportunity to take the temperature of how each of you is feeling and how their day is going.

• When you meet again in the evening, stop whatever you are doing. Hug each other and take a few minutes to sit down together with a cup of tea or glass of wine. Keep it light. This is not a time for deep discussion. The main purpose is to reconnect. Hold hands. Don’t be tempted to rush. This is a time to separate the urgent from the important. Practice being really present.

• Make some alone time. It is easy to find yourself constantly surrounded by other people; children, family or friends, that’s okay, but your relationship needs regular Time, Touch and Talking to keep it fresh and alive.

• Go to bed together most nights. It is easy for couples to get into habits of going to bed at different times. During this busy period, it is helpful to at least share a shower time together and make a point of hugging each other before you settle down for the night.

• Make time for love and sex in your relationship. When life gets hectic, busy or tiring, people find time for what is important. Talk to each other about how you can both make this happen.

Wishing you all a very happy and loving Christmas time!

        Grace

written by Grace \\ tags: Relationship;marriage;divorce;couples;