Many couples tend not to consider the developmental nature of relationships, and the process of moving from being single to becoming a couple; how we move through various stages from meeting, dating and then perhaps falling in love.

But being in love with someone is not the same as being in a committed relationship with them. Moving in to live with someone certainly is the action of someone who appears to be committed but that is not always the case. What can be commitment to one person can be cosy convenience to another. This is why couples need to have explicit conversations about commitment and where that may lead.

This video talks you through the evolution of a relationship.

Love well and be happy!

      Grace

written by Grace \\ tags: Relationships;love;marriage;dating;commitment

I want to take this opportunity to wish all my readers a very Happy New Year!

I am playing hooky today.

I have spent most of the last few weeks writing about relationships, dating, love and marriage, for my new Diploma in Relationship Coaching Course,  and creating online webinars for the launching of Relationship Academy.

I have also been figuring out how to use my new Mac and video editing software, so I have been grappling with lots of technical challenges that a little ageist voice in my head tells me I shouldn’t be dealing with. I have engaged a nice young man who knows about these things, to come and teach me.

Pyjama Days

I still have lots to do, but as the wind is howling and the rain is lashing down, and it’s a grey day, I decided I would have a pyjama day. Because I can.

When I have a pyjama day I spend time only with me and I only do things I want to do and don’t do anything I don’t want to do. Actually I have regular pyjama days, (there, my guilty secret is out!) but then that is when I do things like write my blog, because I enjoy doing that. In fact, I have arranged my life to do mostly only what I enjoy doing and hardly anything I don’t enjoy.Sssshh,  I think it is called being.

Pyjama days are really one of the best ways of managing stress thereby preventing illness or need for medication. Why wait until you are ill to have a pyjama day? It is much better when you feel well.

Pyjama days are what being self employed is all about. It makes up for the times when you are working on a project until the wee small hours of the morning.

Pyjama days are especially good on rainy workdays when everyone else is at work. I do feel a little bit guilty sometimes, but not for too long. This makes me think of a little poem by Nadine Stair which I will share with you as we edge further into the New Year;

I’d Pick More Daisies

By

Nadine Stair, age 85

If I had my life to live over,
       	I'd try to make more mistakes next time.
            	I would relax. I would limber up.
      I would be sillier than I have on this trip.
      I would be crazier. I would be less hygienic.
   I would take more chances, I would take more trips.
  I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers,
		and watch more sunsets.
I would burn more gasoline. I would eat more ice cream and less beans.
  I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones.
         You see, I am one of those people who lives
    prophylactically and sensibly and sanely,
	hour after hour, day after day.

               Oh, I have had my moments
  And if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them.
        In fact, I'd try to have nothing else.
	   Just moments,one after another.
      Instead of living so many years ahead each day.
     I have been one of those people who never go anywhere
    without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a gargle, a
		raincoat, and a parachute.

    If I had to do it over again, I would go places and do things.
                       I'd travel lighter than I have.
      If I had my life to live over, I would start barefooted
         earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall.
           I would play hooky more. I wouldn't make such good grades
		      except by accident.
                   I would ride on merry-go-rounds.

                        I'd pick more daisies!

   Live, love, laugh and be happy in 2012!

             Grace

written by Grace \\ tags: relationships; love and marriage; dating; ralationship academy; Grace Chatting

As a result of a very difficult and painful time in my life, I learned how to live, and then to love consciously, and that has made all the difference to my life.

As a child at school, a little old nun told me that I was destined for great things, but I didn’t really believe it, and carried on through life with loads of limiting beliefs and trying to play it safe, not taking opportunities presented to me.

Similarly, many of the difficulties I see people experiencing are generated by them trying to stay safe. They don’t know they are doing it. They have formed a mind-set.

Here is a brief video by Anthony Robbins about how making little changes can result in big differences.

What little change can you make today?

Have a great week!

Grace

written by Grace \\ tags: Anthony Robbins; Change; Transformation; Mind-set

Many people think that good communication is THE most important relationship skill, and of course it IS very important, but without Connection, a couple whose marriage is in difficulty, will fail to communicate, irrespective of how sincere, or articulate they may be.

Loss of connection

It is the loss of connection with each other which often leads to the difficulties in the first place and then results in people feeling lonely and isolated, and this can trigger unconscious memories of earlier times when they felt that way. This compounds the current difficulties. If you are disconnected, everything seems worse and your solutions will probably fail.

The power of connection

When you are connected you can communicate regardless of the words or language you use; it is like you have an invisible lifeline of affection and value for each other. It is essential that this is in place and that you commit to keeping this in place at all times, even when you feel angry with each other.

Park the problems and reconnect

So, anytime you experience problems in your marriage, make a conscious agreement to set the problems aside; reconnect by engaging in some mutual expressions of appreciation and spending downtime as a couple, away from house, home, children and family. Make a conscious decision to put your marriage first and to be emotionally honest with each other. Not only will this help you to reconnect, it will stabilise the situation too.

Core Values

During this fragile period, it is helpful to have conversations about what is important to each of you. This is not about trying to manipulate your partner to do what you want, but for you to understand each other more fully. For example you may value Freedom and your partner may value Family and this may mean a clash of values sometimes. It doesn’t mean either of you are right or wrong, it just means you have to learn to accommodate each others core values.

One of the reasons my marriage to Alan works so well is that he accommodates my core values of learning and personal development and I accommodate his core value of what it means to him to be a man. We both share the value of adventure.

Part of what helps couples remain connected is to at least annually review and share their core values and needs with each other, and how well the relationship accommodates and meets them. Most people have their car serviced or MOTd every year.

It is a wise couple who sets a date for a Relationship Review.

Grace Chatting, located in Plymouth, UK, is a Transformation and Relationship coach, writer, and workshop facilitator.  She is also a Family Mediator and Psychotherapist.  Her passion is empowerment arising from personal growth, integrity and authenticity.

Grace can be found on her blog www.gracechatting.com; http://twitter.com@GraceChatting/ http://www.linkedin.com/in/GraceChatting http://facebook.com/GraceChatting

Email grace@gracechatting.com

Grace can be reached on (44) 07816491165 if you wish to arrange a consultation

written by Grace \\ tags: communication; marriage; core values;connection

In our roles as Life and Relationship Coaches, for many years now Alan and myself have come across scores of men and women in their mid 30s – 40s who are single and don’t want to be. Mostly they are really attractive fairly successful and eligible people and they are at a stage in life when they want to have a life partner, a home and a family.They just don’t seem to be able to find a suitable partner anywhere.

Many start to feel quite lonely and despairing, especially the women whose biological clock is ticking away. Men also get concerned because they want to still be young enough to be a friend to their teenage offspring. This can be the start of a vicious cycle. These feelings of hopelessness and loneliness tend to be unattractive to potential partners and give out messages of neediness, which is off putting.

There is no doubt that if you find yourself still single after mid 30s, most of your friends have moved on, married and perhaps had children, and you may be out of the loop as far as relationships go.

You may have been in a long term relationship  which has ended, and now find yourself newly single. It’s difficult to find networks of people who are necessarily your type. As a young adult you could easily meet potential dates or partners in clubs, bars, nightclubs and parties , or at college or university. As you get older, those avenues are not so available or appropriate. So, what do you do?

Online/Offline Dating

Many people are now meeting online and after kissing a few frogs are fortunate enough to find a prince/ss. Whilst this may be a way of meeting people, there is something of a skill to writing profiles for dating sites, and not everyone can present themselves attractively online.

People, especially women worry that they may not be able to trust people that they meet online, but the same arguments could be raised for meeting someone anywhere. There is always a need to be discerning about who you enter into a relationship with no matter where you meet them. Often (but not always) the most reliable prospects are people who are introduced to you by someone you know.

The Good News

I have organised a day which I am calling Making New Connections Cafe  http://makingnewconnections.eventbrite.com for many of these folk to be able to meet each other. The day will be in the World Cafe style http://www.theworldcafe.com. These days are relaxed and great fun, and consist of breaking down into small groups of people having interesting and stimulating conversations around a number of small tables, which they move around, so everyone has a chance to meet everyone else.

I shall pose questions for each conversation to focus on, so people won’t be wondering what to talk about. This kind of gathering helps those who have been single for some time to get right into conversations with lots of new people and to get comfortable with that. It is a way of getting out of your comfort zone… comfortably!

Invitation

It seems to me that most single people go about pretending they aren’t really bothered about being single, when they are. They put up a front. This is not helpful, it sends mixed messages.

I invite you all now, to come out of the closet and come along to my Making New Connections day http://makingnewconnections.eventbrite.com and allow me to introduce you to lots of new and interesting people and share a buffet lunch with us all.

If you really want to push the boat out, why not come along to the 2 day Singles Workshop in the west of Ireland http://www.burrenlifebalance.com/

Grace Chatting, located in Plymouth, UK, is a Transformation and Relationship coach, writer, and workshop facilitator.  She is also a Family Mediator and Psychotherapist.  Her passion is empowerment arising from personal growth, integrity and authenticity.

Grace can be found on her blog www.gracechatting.com; http://twitter.com@GraceChatting/

http://www.linkedin.com/in/GraceChatting http://facebook.com/GraceChatting

Email grace@gracechatting.com

Grace can be reached on (44) 07816491165 if you wish to arrange a consultation

written by Grace \\ tags: Dating; Singles; Grace Chatting; Burren Life Balance;