Christmas is a time for love, romance, mistletoe and happy families, right? Wrong!

For many couples and  families out there, it will be the last year they will all be together for Christmas and many of them don’t know it yet.

Solicitors know they will have their usual rush of divorce applications  in January, their  busiest time of the year.

The sad thing is that many of these marriages and relationships could have been saved if only people knew and understood about how relationships grow and develop. It is this lack of knowledge that leads to many divorces and family breakdown, not as many believe that marriage is a bad thing.

Pot-bound Relationships

You can see from the plant here that its growth is stunted as  clearly it has outgrown its current pot  and needs to be re-potted into a bigger one. Just because it is pot-bound doesn’t mean it needs to be chucked away!

Relationships are like that!

When couples start to bicker and the relationship becomes strained, it is often a sign that the relationship is ready to move into another stage rather than that it is over. Unfortunately most couples don’t know this and they misread the signs, often with disastrous results for the family.

Here is a great little video which shows how opportunities and growth points can be missed.

I shall be launching The Relationship Academy in the new year to teach lessons which weren’t taught at school.

Please Like my new page on Facebook to help me get started with spreading the word  http://on.fb.me/uZwgvz

Many thanks,

Grace

written by Grace \\ tags: relationships; love; marriage; divorce;family breakdown

By Grace Chatting

When relationships and marriages break down, it is acrimony between parents which is the most damaging aspect of the separation or divorce for children. Everything should be done for parents to go beyond being ex spouses to becoming co-parents.

Children’s Divided Loyalties

I see many separated and divorced couples whose conflict continues through the contact arrangements for the children. There are a number of factors which contribute to this; one is that children generally love and feel loyal to both their parents and want to keep their approval, consequently they often tell each parent what they think that parent wants to hear.

Of course the problem with this is that often what the child has told each party is not only different but is conflicting, and each parent thinks they know for sure what the child’s wishes are.

It is a wise parent who understands that children can and often do have mixed feelings makes allowances for the kind of misunderstandings that can arise from that.

Different Parenting Styles

Another source of conflict is when parents can’t accept that it is okay for them to have different parenting styles. Of course it makes life easier all round if they have the same general approach and values, but often part of the reason for them separating in the first place is their different approaches to life which have emerged.

It is helpful if they do not take up a stance of seeing their way as THE way, and the other parents way as wrong. I have seen many parents unwittingly create a lot of conflict by trying to impose their ways on their separated spouse.

A word of caution: although it doesn’t make either party right or wrong if parents have different approaches to parenting, it really does make a difference to the child if there is some degree of consistency in terms of bedtimes and  TV use etc., to avoid getting into a “good parent/bad parent” game, which certainly is not good for anyone.

Co-Parenting Phone Call

Another thing which is not helpful is when parents make arrangements via the children, or during handover at the end of a contact visit. These times are often tense and likely to result in misunderstandings. Also it is better not to hold discussions in front of the children because this can often be tense for them.

A weekly phone call with the following agenda is helpful not only for avoiding oversights in information sharing, but it also helps the non resident parent keep in touch with what is happening in the child’s life.

Agenda

• The Good Stuff: things you are pleased and positive about
• Medical Issues or Concerns
• School Related Issues: performance, behaviour, homework, concerts, meetings etc.
• Activities: hobbies, groups, sports etc.
• Caretaking: decisions around things like sleeping, eating, computer use, grounding, privileges etc.
• Behaviour: concerns at home or in school, discipline, how you handle/manage this..
• Scheduling: Diary dates for social events, planned trips or holidays, visits from relatives etc.
• Day and time of next call

If you would like further information about co-parenting email grace@gracechatting.com

written by Grace \\ tags: relationships;marriage; divorce; separation; co-parenting

by Grace Chatting

There’s an old saying that an ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure, and that is true for relationships as much as anything else.

I saw a couple this week who after a two year relationship, had recently moved in together, but things were starting to go wrong. They found themselves constantly bickering and were very distressed at what appeared to be evidence that they were not right for each other. Actually it is quite common for this to happen after the initial honeymoon period.

It turned out, as is often the case, that they were each going about doing various versions of “biting my tongue” and “keeping the peace”. Of course it was anything but peace, and they would both finish up doing the 4 Rs that Anthony Robbins talks about.

The 4 Rs

By not speaking the unspoken, a loss of attraction creeps in followed by resistance and irritation with the other person. This soon develops into resentment and ultimately rejection.

Don’t Keep The Peace!

Going about not saying anything and hoping that your partner will read your mind, simply doesn’t work and it certainly doesn’t make for peaceful living. It creates tension and irritation. Far better to develop the habit of speaking up respectfully to each other and thereby developing emotional honesty.

Here is a short video which explains:-

Grace Chatting, located in Plymouth, UK, is a Transformation and Relationship coach, writer, and workshop facilitator.  She is also a Family Mediator and Psychotherapist.  Her passion is empowerment arising from personal growth, integrity and authenticity.

Grace can be found on her blog www.gracechatting.com; http://twitter.com@GraceChatting/  http://www.linkedin.com/in/GraceChatting http://facebook.com/GraceChatting

Grace can be reached on (44) 07816491165 if you wish to arrange a consultation

written by Grace \\ tags: marriage; relationship success; relationships; Grace Chatting; Tony Robbins;

By Grace Chatting

In previous posts I have mentioned how, many couples after becoming parents gradually disconnect from each other as lovers and friends and become more like house mates. Much of their conversation becomes about logistics, like “what time will you be home”  or “what would you like for dinner?”

For those with a number of pre-school children, life can become pretty tiring   and hectic. Many important matters don’t even get onto the agenda for discussion. This isn’t really anyone’s fault, but if left unaddressed, it can leave a couple totally out of touch with each other in important areas of their lives, and feeling lonely and resentful.

The Weekly Business Meeting is a simple and very effective and non-threatening way to reinstate meaningful communication.

• The meeting should, as the name suggests, be weekly, for just 1 hour
• It is best to have it in a study or room other than where you both relax
• Choose a time when you won’t be disturbed
• Treat this with the same degree of importance you would give to a meeting with your solicitor
• Take turns at chairing and note taking
• Anything which requires more than 5 minutes discussion needs to be scheduled for later, within a week if possible
• This is not a time for emotional issues. It is about the Business of your lives and household
• Leave all items on the agenda even if you think they don’t apply to you; one week it may for at least one of you

Here is a template for you to use:-

Weekly Business Meeting

Day:

Time:

Place:

Agenda

• Diaries
• Social events
• Holiday Plans
• Family matters
• Children’s issues/concerns
• Work related issues/concerns
• Household requirements
• Financial matters
• Relationship matters
• Health
• Other

Action Plan

What needs to be done?

By whom

By When

It may seem inconvenient to fit this meeting into busy lives but it is very much a case of taking time to save time. It also provides a sense of you both being back on track and working together as a team. Anything that is troubling or of concern, never needs to wait longer than a week.

A note of warning. Some couples are so pleased to be really talking to each other meaningfully again, that they succumb to the temptation to let the meeting overrun. This is not a good idea. It is better to complete the meeting and agree to carry on talking later.

I hope you will use this and find it helpful.

     Be Happy

        Grace

grace@gracechatting.com

written by Grace \\ tags: relationships;communication;couples;marriage

New relationships always seem so full of potential. But there are no guarantees that it’s destined for success. There are certain things that can provide illumination and enlightenment on whether this will be “the one” - even early in a budding romance.

Not all relationships are created equally. This is just as true for new relationships as it is for relationships that are well established and have weathered many storms. Relationships require attention on the part of both people involved in order to be successful.

Surprisingly, the sweaty palms and erratic heartbeats described in romance novels don’t predict a future of romantic bliss for years to come in most couples. In fact, the opposite is generally true. The romances that ignite the lives of those involved often consume them in the process - burning brightly but all too briefly.

Far too many relationships end as a perceived loss of love and affection - more than the typical reasons for divorce such as money, conflict, and child rearing issues. When it comes to budding and potential relationships, it’s best to not establish an all-consuming romance that’s simply impossible to maintain.

In order to accurately gauge the potential of your relationship for success, you need to be able to view it through an objective lens. You need to take a step back and separate your emotional response to your partner as well as his or her emotional response to you and see if you and your partner are a good match.

Many of the couples whom I see for coaching are so mis-matched. If only they had not been so starry eyed at the beginning they could have saved themselves a lot of heartache.

Don’t get me wrong. I think a certain amount of starry eyed is good as long as you remember to check out if you both share the same values such as Family, Growth, Success, Fitness etc. Do you both have shared aspirations? What kind of lifestyle do you each want to have? Is it the same? Do you both want to have children? Many couples are so caught up in the chemistry that they quickly move in together only to discover later that they really want different things in life.

There are no absolutes when it comes to dealing with the human heart. The heart is what must be thoroughly searched in order to discover whether or not you can really build a successful relationship that will stand the test of time. However, you need to use your head as well!

If you would like some Relationship Coaching contact me on 004417816491165

written by Grace \\ tags: couples, Dating, Relationships, romance;relationship coaching