One of the things I love about my marriage is that we don’t have set routines. I avoid them like the plague. Every day is different, and every week is different. We get up and go to bed at different times every day and we do completely different things every weekend. We eat when we are hungry, not when the clock says it is time to eat. I really love the freedom of it.
Alan has arranged a surprise weekend away for next week. I have no idea where we are going. It doesn’t really matter where it is, we are having fun looking forward to it and some banter about my guessing. This meets my need for Variety and Significance; it makes me feel special and valued.
Routine can kill your marriage
Most people set up routines when they have children. This is necessary up to a point because children need predictability. It makes them feel secure, but a wise couple will maintain some degree of spontaneity, unstructured time and playfulness.
I have many clients who wonder what went wrong with their marriages, but then proceed to tell me how they have Egg and chips for tea every Tuesday, visit her mother every Wednesday, go shopping every Thursday and do the laundry every Saturday, or some version of that. And they have been doing that for the past 15 years! Small wonder he has gone off with someone else!
Their need for Certainty totally overrides all their other relationship needs. This is very short sighted. All that routine and predictability squashes new possibilities of more intimacy and puts the marriage on the level of being housemates.
Anthony Robbins teaches about six needs we all have and that our couple relationship should meet, these are; Certainty, Variety, Significance, Love and Connection, Growth and Contribution.
He points out that if we don’t meet these needs constructively within the marriage or relationship, we will meet them outside it.
In the following video clip he poses the questions:-
- What are some of the ways you use to meet your need for uncertainty and variety?
- What do you do with your physiology, with your focus and your language?
- Do you have problems, hesitations or fears that give you emotional uncertainty?
- What are some of the ways you use to get the feeling of Connection?
- Do you get it by giving or receiving or both?
- What do you do in order to receive from others?
- How do you give love and connection to others?
- Do you experience love on a regular basis or do you hold back from love?
Grace Chatting, located in Plymouth, UK, is a Transformation and Relationship coach, writer, and workshop facilitator. She is also a Family Mediator and Psychotherapist. Her passion is empowerment arising from personal growth, integrity and authenticity.
Grace can be reached on (44) 07816491165 if you wish to arrange a consultation