Grace Chatting

One of the things I love about my marriage is that we don’t have set routines. I avoid them like the plague. Every day is different, and every week is different. We get up and go to bed at different times every day and we do completely different things every weekend. We eat when we are hungry, not when the clock says it is time to eat. I really love the freedom of it.

Alan has arranged a surprise weekend away for next week. I have no idea where we are going. It doesn’t really matter where it is, we are having fun looking forward to it and some banter about my guessing. This meets my need for Variety and Significance; it makes me feel special and valued.

Routine can kill your marriage

Most people set up routines when they have children. This is necessary up to a point because children need predictability. It makes them feel secure, but a wise couple will maintain some degree of spontaneity, unstructured time and playfulness.

I have many clients who wonder what went wrong with their marriages, but then proceed to tell me how they have Egg and chips for tea every Tuesday, visit her mother every Wednesday, go shopping every Thursday and do the laundry every Saturday, or some version of that. And they have been doing that for the past 15 years! Small wonder he has gone off with someone else!

Their need for Certainty totally overrides all their other relationship needs. This is very short sighted. All that routine and predictability squashes new possibilities of more intimacy and puts the marriage on the level of being housemates.

Relationship Needs

Anthony Robbins teaches about six needs we all have and that our couple relationship should meet, these are; Certainty, Variety, Significance, Love and Connection, Growth and Contribution.

He points out that if we don’t meet these needs constructively within the marriage or relationship, we will meet them outside it.

In the following video clip he poses the questions:-

• What are some of the ways you use to meet your need for uncertainty and variety?
• What do you do with your physiology, with your focus and your language?
• Do you have problems, hesitations or fears that give you emotional uncertainty?
• What are some of the ways you use to get the feeling of Connection?
• Do you get it by giving or receiving or both?
• What do you do in order to receive from others?
• How do you give love and connection to others?
• Do you experience love on a regular basis or do you hold back from love?

Grace Chatting, located in Plymouth, UK, is a Transformation and Relationship coach, writer, and workshop facilitator.  She is also a Family Mediator and Psychotherapist.  Her passion is empowerment arising from personal growth, integrity and authenticity.

Grace can be found on her blog www.gracechatting.com; http://twitter.com@GraceChatting/ http://www.linkedin.com/in/GraceChatting http://facebook.com/GraceChatting

Email grace@gracechatting.com

Grace can be reached on (44) 07816491165 if you wish to arrange a consultation

written by Grace \\ tags: Anthony Robbins;grace Chatting; Marriage; Relationships

In the last 25 years that I have worked with literally thousands of couples, inevitably a large number of those have been in the aftermath of an affair or some kind of infidelity.

There seems to be a view of those who have affairs that they are cavalier in their attitude and simply don’t give a damn about who gets hurt. Whilst it is true that some are like this, in my experience, they are definitely the minority.

Who’s to blame?

When infidelity becomes common knowledge, people invariably look to place blame, but this is not helpful. Ultimately, it is not really possible to apportion blame, and can only be speculative, although the one who has been unfaithful seems like the obvious villain.

For the vast majority of couples, the pain following an affair is devastating and blaming only makes matters worse. Often the betrayed party blames themselves in some way when perhaps the worst that they did was to take their spouse for granted to some extent.

Why does it happen?

The vast majority of people who have affairs never set out intending for it to happen, nor did their partners realize that their marriage was in danger. It doesn’t do to become too complacent. I saw a client who was 75 years old and her husband had left her for a 60 year old. Rather than place blame, I prefer to see it as a set of conditions which optimize the chances of an affair happening.

Red Flags

In the majority of cases where someone is unfaithful, most of the following factors were present:-

• · there were aspects of their marriage about which they were unhappy
• · they didn’t address it
• · The couples communication was poor
• · They had become disconnected
• · their spouse was unwilling to listen or take the matter seriously
• · they never wished to hurt their spouse
• · some friend or kind person they worked with noticed and gave a listening ear
• · they began to confide in this person
• · this person paid attention and listened empathically
• · this person treated them as though they were important and their feelings mattered
• · this person offered them a shoulder to cry on
• · they try once again and fail to talk to their spouse

You can see that now it is not so black and white whose fault it is. There are grey areas. It is never a good idea to apportion blame as far as infidelity is concerned, although the person who is unfaithful must accept some responsibility for the ensuing devastation.

Emotional Infidelity

At this stage, they may not have embarked on an affair, but certainly there has been emotional infidelity insofar as they have been confiding their intimate feelings to someone other than their spouse. This is usually the precursor to an affair, leading to secret meetings and eventually sexual infidelity.

Can the marriage be saved?

Yes is the short answer, but an ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure.In most cases these incredibly damaging situations can be avoided by nipping matters in the bud. Of course no two situations are the same, and there are many kinds of infidelity. Anytime someone is unhappy with their partner or marriage they need to persevere with sorting matters out rather than taking their troubles outside the marriage, unless it is to seek professional help.

These situations although painful, can be turned around by the couple learning conflict resolution and communication skills. Learn how to do this by getting a copy of my book, Breakthrough To Love

 

Grace Chatting, located in Plymouth, UK, is a Transformation and Relationship coach, writer, and workshop facilitator.  She is also a Family Mediator and Psychotherapist.  Her passion is empowerment arising from personal growth, integrity and authenticity.

Grace can be found on her blog www.gracechatting.com; http://twitter.com@GraceChatting/

 http://www.linkedin.com/in/GraceChatting

http://facebook.com/GraceChatting

Email grace@gracechatting.com

Grace can be reached on (44) 07816491165 if you wish to arrange a consultation

written by Grace \\ tags: Grace Chatting;Infidelity;Affair;Divorce