Most of the couples whom I see whose relationships have run into difficulty are caring loving people with good intentions towards each other and their marriage. The problem is simply that they lack basic relationship skills in conversation, communicating, understanding, and conflict resolution.

This is hardly surprising when you consider that as a rule these are skills no one ever teaches us. In the absence of learning helpful ways of relating, many of us learn unhelpful and destructive relating habits and these become the messages and rules, fears and anxieties we all bring into our relationships.

Over the next few weeks and into the new year, I shall be writing about how to acquire and maintain better relationship skills, but before I do that it is good for you to check out the foundations you are building these skills upon.

Messages and Rules

Without realizing it, we all pick up messages from our parents, teachers, religion, community, culture and nationality, about how men/women, children, couples, families should be. We then, mostly unconsciously, make these messages into rules that we live by; and expect our spouses and partners to live by!

A useful exercise for everyone to do at some stage in their adult life (sooner rather than later) is to make a list of all the messages they picked up about;

• Men
• Women
• Children
• Families
• Couples
• Work
• Money
• Sex

It is good for you to be conscious of the ways in which you formed your views, and to recognize that there is no “right” way, just different ways.

It helps in your couple communication to go through all the messages and rules you each picked up during the course of your life. See which are a source of tension between you and consider how these can be adjusted to better suit your relationship.

Watch out for my next posting when I will spell out for you how to become more skilled in making conversation.

     Be Happy

               Grace

written by Grace \\ tags: relationship; relating skills; conversation; conflict resolution; communication

To strengthen your relationship, at the beginning of each year, it is a good idea to ask your partner what they would most like to achieve in the coming year and how you could help them with that. You can do the same. This sets a tone of connection throughout the year ahead.

It is useful to build in reviews of how you are each progressing, offering each other support and encouragement throughout the year, working as a team.

This is also a good time to set some goals for your relationship. Here are some suggestions;

Weekly Date Night

“Why would a couple that lives and sleeps together every night need dates and rituals? Precisely because they live and sleep together.” Bill Doherty

Have a ‘Date Night’ every week - just the two of you, away from the house. Many couples simply get out of the habit of being a couple because they become too busy being parents, or constantly being in the company of family or friends. You should both take turns at organising the date. Arrange childcare and transport if necessary.

The date does not have to be expensive or exotic, but it must allow you both the opportunity to look at and talk to each other. Remember what I have said about the importance of touch. If you are a couple who are not very tactile, remember, this is not your natural state. Practice holding hands, and gentle, casual touching. Learn to be more comfortable with touch, it is as essential for your well being as drinking water is for your health.

It may be that your weekly date is during the day, in which case it is really good if you can be in nature, either walking in the woods, by a river or by the sea. There are all sorts of extra benefits from being in the fresh air and sunshine, especially somewhere beautiful.

Creating some positive memories and associations is like putting deposits in your emotional bank. There is something to draw on then when the going gets tough.

Monthly

Visit somewhere new, perhaps on one of your weekly dates, that neither of you have seen before. It is useful and pleasant to create a list of all the places within a 30-mile radius that you would like to visit or explore. Making a point of seeing new places together helps to keep some freshness in your relationship. It may be a new town or village, a place of interest, a new walk, or a different restaurant.

This gives you the opportunity to anticipate a new experience, to be curious and to wonder, perhaps even to be excited. These are feelings and states that couples usually have at the beginning of their relationship that can get lost in day-to-day life. Be positive and make the most of every occasion.

Visiting a new place allows you both to let the childlike part of you to come to the forefront. You can decide to have an adventure, be spontaneous and playful.

Having a regular monthly adventure prevents you both from becoming too serious or caught in a rut. It also gives you something positive and fun to talk to each other about and allows you to be a couple again.

Quarterly

Have a weekend away together at least quarterly or more often if you can afford to do so. This may depend on your resources such as money and availability of childcare. It is well worth making the effort to get away together at least a couple of weekends a year without children, family or friends.

The primary purpose is to just hang out together, enjoy each other’s company and pay attention to each other. Just being away from house, home, phone, computer, and children allows you the opportunity to switch off and de-stress. It also gives you both something to look forward to.

Annually

Aim to have at least one annual holiday – preferably in the sunshine. If you have children, discuss and negotiate how you can each have a bit of time to yourself during the holiday. Agree how you can help each other achieve what you each most want to achieve from the holiday.

All of these things help to keep your connection solid and provides an environment to maintain the commitment and spark in your relationship.

Be great role models

Remember you will be role modelling for your children, how to have a great relationship. This is a real gift to them – priceless, and helps to fulfil your role of being great parents.

Write down your plan for the year. This makes it more concrete and something you are both committed to as a couple. You can use it to review progress throughout the year.

Happy New Year

                Grace

For more on developing happy and fulfilling relationships, subscribe to the RSS Feed of my Blog. Follow me on Twitter@afterido. You can connect to me on LinkedIn or friend me on Facebook. If I can help you or your relationship, check out my coaching and consulting practice via LinkedIn, email me on grace@gracechatting.com  or call me on 07816491165

written by Grace \\ tags: relationship; 2011; love; date; intimacy; Grace Chatting

 

It’s that time of year again when, in spite of appearances, many marriages and relationships run into trouble over the Christmas period, resulting in a rise in applications for divorce every January. The stress from time, money and family pressures can be the proverbial straw that breaks the camels back. Don’t let that happen to you!

Start to create positive daily habits which forge connection between you and your partner so you can withstand the hectivity.

Love is not enough

• Love is not enough. It is so important for you to maintain connection with each other when life gets busy. Here are a few more things you can do to boost connection and intimacy. They don’t take much time but they make a huge difference to the quality of your relationship

.

• Give each other a good  full body hug before going your separate ways for the day and wish each other a good day with as much warmth as you can muster. Pecks on the cheek are out!

• Midday – take turns to contact each other just for the sole purpose of connecting and passing caring good wishes to each other. Be totally present and  offer appreciation to each other. This call also gives an opportunity to take the temperature of how each of you is feeling and how their day is going.

• When you meet again in the evening, stop whatever you are doing. Hug each other and take a few minutes to sit down together with a cup of tea or glass of wine. Keep it light. This is not a time for deep discussion. The main purpose is to reconnect. Hold hands. Don’t be tempted to rush. This is a time to separate the urgent from the important. Practice being really present.

• Make some alone time. It is easy to find yourself constantly surrounded by other people; children, family or friends, that’s okay, but your relationship needs regular Time, Touch and Talking to keep it fresh and alive.

• Go to bed together most nights. It is easy for couples to get into habits of going to bed at different times. During this busy period, it is helpful to at least share a shower time together and make a point of hugging each other before you settle down for the night.

• Make time for love and sex in your relationship. When life gets hectic, busy or tiring, people find time for what is important. Talk to each other about how you can both make this happen.

Wishing you all a very happy and loving Christmas time!

        Grace

written by Grace \\ tags: Relationship;marriage;divorce;couples;