Grace Chatting

One of the world’s foremost Relationship experts, John Gottman, PhD., has revolutionised the study of marriage by using rigorous scientific procedures to observe the habits of married couples in unprecedented detail over many years. His work has culminated in Seven Principles that guide married couples on the path towards a harmonious and long-lasting fulfilled relationship. The Principles are as follows;

1. Enhance your Love Maps
2. Nurture your fondness and admiration
3. Turn towards each other instead of away
4. Let your partner influence
5. Solve your solvable problems
6. Overcome Gridlock
7. Create shared meaning

Nurture your fondness and admiration

Remember all the things you found really attractive and appealing when you first met? Talk to each other about it. Get in touch with those old loving feelings. Tell each other all the things you think are admirable. Everyday give each other some expression of appreciation.

Turn towards each other, not away

It helps couples to remain connected if they do things together. This doesn’t mean they have to be joined at the hip, but rather that they are in the habit of and enjoy being around each other involved in joint activities.

Let your partner influence you

If he is good at DIY and practical things and she is good with how things look, happily married couples notice and take on board their partners ideas and perspective.

Solve  your solvable problems

Gottman found that most marital problems fell into two categories, Solvable and Perpetual. The secret with successful couples were that they knew how to use damage control. Solvable problems are around, stress, in-laws, money, sex and children. Perpetual problems are around one party wanting to have children and the other not.

Overcome Gridlock

Couples often become grid-locked trying to solve perpetual problems. The goal in ending gridlock is not to solve the problem, but rather to move from grid-lock to dialogue. Gridlock means that you have dreams for your life that are not being addressed or respected by the other. Happy couples realise that helping each other achieve their Dreams is one of the main goals of marriage.

Create shared meaning

Marriage isn’t just about splitting chores, raising kids and making love. Happy couples find a way of honouring each others dreams even if they don’t share them. Together they create an atmosphere where they both can talk about their convictions without censoring them.

Incorporating these seven principles can change the course of your marriage… the… you have to build on them!

Best wishes

Grace

www.plymouth-counselling.co.uk

www.anamcaracentre.com

written by Grace \\ tags: conflict, couple, Divorce, Happiness, John Gottman, love, marriage, relationship

  Apologies for my absence in recent weeks, I have been away writing up a great two day workshop on Relationship Coaching, for Counsellors, Coaches and Social Workers. I feel very excited and passionate about the subject.

The Government in recent years published the “Marriage and Relationship Support Services” Report, saying basically that,

“Any strategy for marriage and relationship support has to take account of the structure of relationships and families today. Family life is undergoing unprecedented change. Families are becoming smaller, people are marrying later, and increasing numbers of children are being born outside marriage. An ageing population increases the number of people whose spouses have died - indeed, it is still more likely for a marriage to end in death than in divorce. Marriage and partnerships are more fragile than they were even a generation ago”.

The report also highlighted the fact that couples not only don’t seek support until it is too late, but also that the usual counselling services do not appear to achieve lasting results,

“Increased information and awareness about relationships, parenting and the benefits of obtaining help early on (not only at ‘crisis point’) should also foster a change in culture, in which learning about relationships is seen as just as acceptable as learning about diet and physical health.”

For me, this was speaking to the converted. As a Family Mediator I often saw couples who had already divorced who were sorting out their affairs in an amicable way, and I know if I had seen them a few years previously, their family may not have had to endure the pain of splitting up. Sadly, thee are so many couples, who with the right intervention, could have saved their marriages.

By far the greatest percentage of my clients whom I see day to dayfor Counselling or Coaching, have painful relationship challenges.

Many are single, either they have not been able to find a suitable life partner, or they have been married and divorced and are now starting all over again , and are a bit bewildered, about how to go about it. Some have been widowed but do not wish to face the future alone.

I also see many couples, sadly, mostly at the point when their marriage or relationship is in real crisis and they are almost ready for the divorce courts. They have been unable to resolve matters themselves, and sometimes their efforts have made matters worse. The most painful for all concerned is when one of them has an affair.

Fundamentally, all these people want to know how they can meet up with someone whom they can love and be loved by, and have a happy life together. They just don’t know how to do it in a way that produces results for them, and they don’t know how to change it.

In response to all of this, I have devised a Coaching Program for working with couples, as an alternative to counselling,  to turn their relationship around. I have had great feedback from the couples I have worked with, and take great satisfaction in the fact that a number of families have been saved from breaking up.

“On the assumption that 1994-95 divorce probabilities persist unchanged, 28 per cent of children would experience the divorce of their parents by their sixteenth birthday. “

If you want to know more about how Relationship Coaching can help you, and for details of my 2 day workshop… email me gracechatting@hotmail.com .

Grace

written by Grace \\ tags: alternatives to divorce, counselling, couple counselling, Divorce, divorce recovery, Relationship Success, Relationships